Too Many

Too many close calls lately. Too much BS. Too many misfortunes. Too many apologies. Not enough peace. Not enough meaning behind words. 


I lost my writing. Not much to put down in words. 


I have had a few very close calls these past couple days..and to think it is only tuesday night. This week is literally trying to wipe out my existence. It is beginning to be creative. 


I had someone pull out in front of me while it was pouring down rain..I had just left work 5 mins before..was only a mile down the road..not even..I was traveling 55 mph ..(thts the speed limit) and they decided to pull out in front of me. I slammed on my horn..not because I was mad...but because I was afraid I was not going to be able to stop. I thankfully was able to but it was very VERY close. The person naturally froze up and peddled the rest of the way down the road to the stop sign and then took off. I was then naturally mad after the shock blew by. 


Anyway. It is 8pm. I finished dinner and the dishes..and packing my lunch for tomorrow. I should go pick out my outfit for tomorrow.. and tackle a few more things I wrote down on the to do list..but we'll see about all that. I feel like taking out my contacts and laying my head down on my pillow and staying in a coma for a little while..horrible thing to wish. I don't wish it true either. I just am fighter that would like to not have to fight any battles for a little while. But then that is like saying I am _________ & I do __________ but I don't feel like it today. But that is all that you do. So what do you then do instead? *Shrugs.. it may be foolish to say that. However a break, a little time out would be a nice change of scenery. I chose some parts of my life BUT not all. So do not forget that. You can try your damnedest to make it better, brighter and so forth or ....
A life full of the obvious...the mysteries and the clues waiting to be followed..
 

No title. No title for these words. These scenes of my life.

My throat is raw from the screaming. Physically and metaphorically. 
I am slowly losing a grip on my sanity. 
The tears continue to pulse through my veins. I must let them out sometime..
 I am physically mentally and emotionally beyond exhausted. Over used. Over thinking. Drilled for resources, creativity, ideas stemming out of my very core. I have so much to say and express..just not all right now. I need to care for myself and continue to. I will take the beatings of life as they come my way like I do. I do wish that they would stop coming though. That there was a magnetic field that just sucked them up and contained them. The poison. 


I am done for right now. 


-J

Gone Away

So I am jumping back into this whole blog thing. I rather not relive last Friday or the weekend. So I am not going to retell what all happened then. The good out of those days was Saturday when A dear friend of mine did the impossible for me and let me work with what she had so I could make the impossible possible. That being said. It has be horrendously difficult lately. 

Here is what I have to say about for today: Monday.

I am learning and gaining countless experiences, lessons & connections already through my job. (Just helping create an even greater me.) This was a major focal point of mine and goal for this internship idea. 

I can't however help but think about driving until I run out of gas. Just going far and inbetween. 

I have so much more to express just not this way.

-J

Well....492.5MI

IT was a very successful and productive day for myself once I got over the initial drowsiness that my 1.5 hr drive does to me. I know this is prob not true but I felt like I worked the hardest today in the office. Like really..and my frustration came out on the drive home..for once PA drivers shamed us compared to NJ ones..I already am driving an SUV without any rear brakes..and barely any front ones..so people just turn! or drive properly..much would be appreciated. Anyway I arrived at work by 8:45am. So I decided to start my day early..I wasted no time and jumped right into my tasks for the day. My boss arrived at 10. I had a few 5 min time slots to address things with her/brainstorm/see her at all. I really needed to discuss with her my work schedule for this wk..because it turns out I had 2.5 hrs I did not know where to place..I was hoping to take off work tomorrow (friday) on account of me coming in for 3 hours on saturday. She is really laid back and was like do whatever basically..so I was planning on staying a little later today (which I did, I left at 5 instead of 445.) People came and went. I took my hr long lunch..ate fast then had a half hr to do whatever..so I went outside..got into too many deep thoughts/worries of mine and then had to go back inside to start the rest of my day. I finished my set tasks..I now have 19 contacts out of 20. I even called a few, set up a meeting for next week etc, talked with my boss about saturdays stuff..went back on my own..she assigned me a couple new tasks..around 2 something. By 3 I got my first phone call in the office..I then proceeded to discuss business etc with person on line and as I went to put the person on hold and double check with my boss about setting up a meeting which would put me out of the office..I found that my boss left and went home for the day. I was kind of like "oh". So I proceeded with my business and set up a meeting. I pushed myself to keep working until 5. I finished all assignments for the day. I talked with a coworker for a little being as we were the only 2 left in the office..she gave me hope that I might be able to find a place to live close by..anyway I am taking my CAR to work tomorrow..and am going to tour around the area after work..hopefully my car does my dad proud and works properly the whole time!
Wish me luck.

-J

Ps: the 492.5 is how many miles I have driven since Monday. 

Hustling Day 3

So..I left 15 minutes later then I have been lately just to see how it would go and of course I am never doing that again...apparently everyone leaves at 7:15 ..all the excessively brakers, lunitics and what not..I got to the office with 4 mins to spare thanks to these jerks..but it is okay I had a productive day at work! My office looks more like an office..thanks to me...well my desk area does..not so much when I turn my chair around and look at the extra things that have piled up around me..closet bedroom at home..closet office at work ;) I accomplished creating a sample spreadsheet and some more research all within an hr/all before my boss even came into work ;) I was very productive, got my computer hooked up to the massive copy machine/printer, again like I said I arranged my desk stuff, have post it notes all over already, contact info piled up, folders etc. I worked on my first assignment and wound up accomplishing my own personal goal of locating and researching and filling 15 possible partnering organizations/resources :) My VISTA task says to do 20..so yay for me!! Not bad for my 3rd day on the job, 2nd day in the office.. ;) My boss took her secretary (who I just met today) and I out to lunch at panera, I really am getting to know my boss more already! All in all good, successful day. My new quote of the day is "People who brake excessively should have to drive without them!" -I need to find a room or apartment to rent that is closer to my work!!! This 3 hrs driving a day is going to kill me or my truck..or both! eek. I love driving though and the routes I take are very scenic and pretty..but the people and traffic lights urghh that's another story! Well till next time..like the original 4Hers would say...Head Heart Hands & HUSTLE! lol.. Still my fav history fact about 4H ;) ...for those who do not know what I am speaking of..it is our motto and addresses all the areas of life in doing so..they originally had hustle as the 4th H but later changed it to Health! :) 
I'm sure I am forgetting things that happened today..buttt I will survive and so will you ;) I am trying to hustle into finishing things up at home so that I may relax and go to bed even earlier lol..I love my sleep! Woo ironing is done! Next..looking up another route to take to work and then so much needed FBing and other things..

<3
J

Today started out with a crazy nightmarish dream & my alarm to wake up to..I showered, prepped, ate & left by 7am sharp. Arrived at my boss's house by 8:33..supposed to be there by 8:45 so go me for being early for a second day in the row..I am still getting used to my commute(s) so extra time is always a plus for me! Today I took 611N all the way up (on the PA side) & crossed over the bridge in Easton..once we met up, we carpooled all the way to New Brunswick to the Rutgers campus which is confusing and gorgeous! From 10-430 I was there..attended 2 committee meetings -volunteer development & leadership development etc..took an hr lunch..then back for another committee & then once that was done I sat down for a VISTA supervisor meeting where I put names to faces..as to who I have been communicating with for the past couple of months! Finally were able to leave and drive back to my boss's house (hr) ..had great discussions in the car--some of which I am VERY excited about & then we parted ways and I drove home an hour and a half back down 611..followed one of the most annoying drivers all the way to Doylestown..aka for an hour..and eventually made it home to find dad sick..mom just got home 10 mins before me and burnt pizza..soo I improvised and suggested hotdogs and beans since there wasn't much else to choose from etc..since mom and I did not want to cook much..since it was already almost 8pm. I retold her some of my days highlights and got ready for work tomorrow..and now here we are..my back is sore..and I am looking at the clock...830pm already..wow. I am tired....but not as tired as yesterday..so that is good. But yeah..still not really in a writing mood..as I would like to be for this blog..but you get the gist of today at least. (also maybe because I wrote and spoke a great deal today..as I am finding out that I will be during this job..I connect A LOT with the information and brainstorming that is continually going on around me so woo!) I feel more enlightened after today's discussions etc so that is always a PLUS. Tomorrow is another day...day 3. Let it be something great. 

Gnite all. 

First Flight

Today was my first day on the job. First time at the office, meeting coworkers, sitting in on a staff meeting, meeting my supervisor face to face, meeting the tech guy Tony! & going over what I will be doing for the next year..it is a fresh start I feel..I arrived a half hr early..because I'm that guy & already know my commute as if it were the back of my hand..so that is a plus. I got gas this morning too..I do love Jersey gas stations-Cheap and no labor on my end hehe. Anyway I'm not going to lie..I am exhausted. I travel 128.5 miles to and from work each day, an hour and 30 mins each way. I am sure I'm missing some other fun excitement about today but honestly I am just not quite in the writing mood..like I usually am. Maybe tomorrow.

A little encouragement.

This is it. 7.5 months all coming down to a single day. tomorrow. I have already sworn into service. I now PLEDGE to myself to do better. To be better. To follow suite and be the best that I can possibly be. This is my now. I accept. I have made it this far. I will make it to even further lengths by the time I am through. Know this. Be around. Love me as I love you.